Drake's Decorum: Upon meeting a newborn

After three fun-filled weeks of fatherhood, my respect for the human race has fallen to an all time low. I've therefore decided to write a new etiquette column called Drake's Decorum. Watch your back Judith Martin! Run for the hills Emily Post! Drake is on the scene.

My first step in writing this column was the arduous task of figuring out how to spell etiquette. My research, according to Blogger's spellcheck, eventually proved successful, giving me the confidence and perseverance to make Drake's Decorum a daily read in bathrooms worldwide. Please enjoy my first column below as printed in the respected bi-monthly Studebake Journal.

Drake's Decorum by Drake Studebake presents: Upon meeting a newborn

Upon meeting a newborn:

A) Don't stick your damn dirty finger in his face. It's unsanitary and generally annoying. Just look at him. Unless you are blood-related and didn't piss away the family fortune or a good enough friend to have experimented with drugs with one of the parents as a teenager, please keep your fingers to yourself.

B) Don't stick around for too long. It's exhausting being a new parent. If you come by to meet the baby, don't stick around for more than an hour. Unless you a) make a fantastic martini, b) have come to tell the parents that you have recovered the family fortune, or c) feel like changing diapers.

C) Don't wake him up. On average it takes 18 consecutive hours of feeding, walking, cooing, rocking, pleading, crying and changing diapers to get a baby to fall asleep. Wake him up and feel the wrath.

D) Make up an elaborate reason for the father to have to meet you out for a drink one day in the near future. This is a sign of true friendship and you will be excused for failing to observe the above three pieces of advice.