Curse these super dads

Castle Studebake's walls are once again echoing a woman's rather suspect words.

This time it's a tormenting oration which begins with "do you know that" or "are you aware that" followed by "Johnny's dad", "Michelle's dad" or "Oscar's dad" and ends with some incredible fatherly feat never before witnessed by a resident of this grand establishment.

"Do you know that Johnny's dad handles all the night feeds?"

"Are you aware that Michelle's dad changes all the disaster diapers?"

"Do you know that Oscar's dad massages his wife's feet while she feeds?"

The mind boggles. Who are these goddamn super dads and where do they find the patience for such outlandish acts of generosity?

Well, I'll tell you:

Johnny's dad cries in the park all day and calls his wife the remorseless oppressor.

Michelle's dad thinks he is part of an elite military force, has a cube-shaped head, and eats sugar out of packets in cafes.

Oscar's dad has zero personality; and evidently has a foot fetish.

I'd hate these men, if they weren't so pathetic. As things stand it just isn't worth it.

The moral of the story is this: Dads, if you perform super human feats at home, please swear your partner to secrecy. Your acts put at risk civil, spiritual and misguided partnerships the world over. Moreover, people will come to despise you.